"What if I want to?"
"My" day is almost over. Let me catch you up on what has happened since the last post. I got another card, six phone calls (one from the UK, one from New York City and another from New Jersey, one from the parents-in-law in Kansas, and the sister in law in Omaha, and a local one), a great dinner from my WIFE, and a couple really nice messages on my blog! This is way more than I wanted, I wanted very little, in fact I was hoping for nothing.
See, truth be told, I struggle with kindness towards me and appreciation from other people. I just can't handle it. Why? Because I can't do it back, I feel like I could NEVER be as nice as the next person has been to me. I feel inadequate. So I try my best to avoid being on the receiving end of someone's kindness, yet I know I give and will sometimes FORCE my kindness on others.
Bren has a really great retort for those obstinent moments in my life when I try and block her kindness to me with my classic, "But you don't HAVE to do that for me, I don't need..." In her most authentic and emotionally genuine voice (and sometimes with tears in her eyes,) she says, "Kundai, what if I want to do it for you?"
At that moment, I'm left stone cold. Helpless and hapless, I must surrender and indulge her kind affection. All of you have had these moments with me, some maybe more than others.
I need to work on that for all you my dear friends.
I know you've probably been frustrated beyond comprehension at my desperate attempts to avoid your kindness. I apologize, Tom, Melissa, Justin, Brad, Bren, Ang, and everyone else that's tried to be kind to me and I've tried to dodge it.
I realize now and will try to keep in mind that (in Bren's words), "...you wanted to do it for me."
See, truth be told, I struggle with kindness towards me and appreciation from other people. I just can't handle it. Why? Because I can't do it back, I feel like I could NEVER be as nice as the next person has been to me. I feel inadequate. So I try my best to avoid being on the receiving end of someone's kindness, yet I know I give and will sometimes FORCE my kindness on others.
Bren has a really great retort for those obstinent moments in my life when I try and block her kindness to me with my classic, "But you don't HAVE to do that for me, I don't need..." In her most authentic and emotionally genuine voice (and sometimes with tears in her eyes,) she says, "Kundai, what if I want to do it for you?"
At that moment, I'm left stone cold. Helpless and hapless, I must surrender and indulge her kind affection. All of you have had these moments with me, some maybe more than others.
I need to work on that for all you my dear friends.
I know you've probably been frustrated beyond comprehension at my desperate attempts to avoid your kindness. I apologize, Tom, Melissa, Justin, Brad, Bren, Ang, and everyone else that's tried to be kind to me and I've tried to dodge it.
I realize now and will try to keep in mind that (in Bren's words), "...you wanted to do it for me."
posted by Kundai at 11:22 PM
2 Comments:
Dude, Brenda is so right on the money. Smart woman! Accepting kindness is sometimes hard for people (like you), but that doesn't stop me because I know that you need that in your life, and I need to show you how much I care about you as a friend.
Its OK if someone else doesn't feel that need to express their feelings in that way, and I try never to expect that in return. Its just my way, and thats how God made me. I think that people should never reject a gift from another, physical or spoken, because it is their way of sharing themselves.
You are God's creation!
Tom
Thanks Tom! I need to keep that in my mind and get over my foolish thoughts that (nice) people like you are expending themselves unnecessarily for me.
"That's what friends are for."
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